My experience with body dysmorphia.
The moment I turned 14 I joined the gym, I was desperate to change my physique and improve my performance. For as long as I can remember into my childhood I was always referred to as fat. Every opportunity there was someone there to make a remark about my weight. At the time, I did not really think that it effected me and didn’t actually think this was the reason I joined the gym, but reflecting back now, it was the sole focus. I tried to mask it with telling myself I went to get stronger for football and rugby.
As I got older, my body’s importance grew. When I turned 16, the gym was now a huge part of my life and who I identified as. I had now completely changed the way I looked and I was now known as the ‘gym lad’, it was so strange to now have compliments instead of insults. This was really the catalyst for what was about to become. As I’d never had these compliments before, I craved them so badly so the only logical thing I could do in my head was become in even better shape… to continue getting the compliments. At the same time Instagram arrived along with reality TV shows with ripped lads. Naturally, I upped the frequency of how often I went to the gym and started being immensely restrictive with my food. I started skipping school/college lunches for protein shakes and drank aloe vera as a meal substitute, using it to skip meals.
I became really unhealthy. At points I was going to the gym 10 times per week on top of football and rugby 3-4x per week. I would go for a 10k run in the morning, train at school and then go do weights in the evening. All while on minimal calories. I began to become hyper obsessed with how I looked, I was anxious to go into public spaces at school and found taking my top off really triggering in changing rooms. I isolated myself even more… Every reflection I walked past was an opportunity to check myself out and was a constant reminder that I was never good enough. The worst part…. I was getting more compliments which continued to fuel the fire.
Eventually, I hit breaking point and I just cried and could not even make it into school. I was then diagnosed with body dysmorphia and depression. I received counselling and began the process of working on myself. I found it so embarrassing at 17 to have several counsellors and trying to open up to them. I thought what I was going through was so vain and I did not see it as a ‘real’ problem which tortured me mentally.
I shifted my focus onto what my body could do for me, not solely on how it looked. I started to value my inner dialogue, not the comments of others. I separated my identity as a body and me as a person and started to internalise that people liked me for my personality not my body. This entire process without doubt shaped the person I am today and is the reason I set up Muscle & Mind. To provide young lads with the platform to stay ON TRACK towards athletic, aesthetic and personal goals. Since overcoming body dysmorphia, I have proved that you can have it all across Muscle & Mind’s 3 pillars:
- ATHLETIC ABILITY: Performance you’re proud of.
- AESTHETICS: A physique you’re proud of.
- RESILIENCE: Withstand difficulty and stay ON TRACK.
- Coach Harry